Where’s Waldo Now?


One of the greatest icons for American children since the late 1980s has been someone elusive, but also unmistakable. He has traversed the globe countless times, picking up memories, managing to lose all of his gear, and, no doubt, touching lives. The man bespoken of is Waldo, a man with so much mojo his moniker stands alone (À la Cher or Madonna).

But it hasn’t always been easy going or tame enough for children’s books in Waldo’s life. Over the years international travel has left him bruised, battered, broke, and more. We take a more in-depth look into a life marked by skyrocketing success, international turmoil, controversy and above all mystery. Just where is Waldo, now?

In Manhattan on a fixed-gear bike

Hipster Crowd Waldo

Yup, Waldo got wise and tried to duck out amongst the hipster crowd for a while. And it’s certainly a valid hideout if you think about it. Those skinny jeans of his have roared back into vogue like wildfire and the thick rimmed glasses have been kind of a staple throughout hipster history. To top it off, the campy matching sweater and beanie combo communicate that whole bohemian level of seriousness about life.

On Twitter

Social networking is pervading nearly every aspect of society, but it changes the game for Waldo no doubt. Why scour the pages of those confusing books when you can just check Waldo’s most recent abysmally insignificant posting about getting frozen yogurt and picking up his dog’s prescription ear medicine?

In Therapy

Waldo Therapy

Initially, Waldo entered therapy to seek treatment for his runaway scopophobia, otherwise known as the fear of being looked at or seen. Granted, his phobia may have been grounded in fact and life experience, but the therapist quickly helped Waldo explore some deep-seated psychological issues. He developed body image issues in childhood after being mercilessly chided by a P.E. teacher during his chubby phase. This was the basis for his struggle with bulimia and anorexia throughout high school and college.

In the Bathroom

Waldo Bathroom

Remember that whole nationwide Salmonella outbreak?  Well, after that runny omelet at his local breakfast spot, Waldo got a very harsh introduction to this particular brand of food poisoning. Suffice it to say that Waldo wouldn’t want anyone to spot him as he spent hours hosting a deluge coming from both ends.

On Oprah

Waldo on Oprah

In order to pop back in to the public eye, Waldo started working the talk show circuit. His biggest score was a spot on Oprah. Just what has Waldo been up to? Well, after opening up about some sort of cliché struggle with alcohol/drug/sex/glue addiction, he reveals that he’s writing a new book that, of course, everyone in the audience will be receiving a copy of. And, with a little prodding, Waldo was jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch about his hot, new young fiancé.

In Jail

Waldo in Jail

Remember how Waldo used to keep popping up all over the globe? Ever wonder what he was running from? Turns out Waldo was wanted for crimes across three continents: arms trading in Northern Ireland, fraud in Botswana, and hashish smuggling in Tibet (no wonder he was always losing stuff). These are just a few of the enterprising ventures that have gained Waldo international notoriety. Well, the authorities finally caught up to him and in China no less. Now, no one should have a problem spotting the lanky white guy in the Red Chinese prison; besides he’s either going to be in the yard or his two-by-one meter cell with three other political prisoners.

Trapped in a Mine

Waldo in a Mine

As technology has increasingly taken over, Waldo has seen sales of books decline in general. To pick up the slack, Waldo thought he’d try his hand at toiling in the gold and copper mines of Chile. Now, after an unfortunate mining accident, finding Waldo is no longer a game. It’s a matter of life and death. His air supply may be running out, and may not last long psychologically. After the third day with no contact, Waldo’s fellow trapped miners decide (in Spanish for Waldo’s sake) that he will be eaten first.

In Guantanamo Bay

Waldo at Gitmo

After a mix up at airport security involving a novelty alarm clock shaped like a time-bomb, Waldo quickly found himself in the jaws of the CIA. Hooded, zip-tied, and orange jump-suited, he was whisked away to sunny Guantanamo Bay. Whoever said water boarding doesn’t work? After just a few sessions, Waldo admitted to involvement in various anti-American activities, among them training with Al-Qaeda in explosives and inciting the American Civil War some 150 years ago.

On the Internet (VIRAL STYLE)

“Dude, have you seen that one video on YouTube?” Pretty much everyone has some Internet presence these days, a Facebook account, a blog, an online photo-sharing site. But then there are the big dogs of the Internet, those kings of calamity that end up with some sort of degrading incident in their lives — perhaps a testicular-trauma incident or a drunken, shirtless rant — captured on video for the masses to admire.

Waldo’s viral video comes from his brief dabbling in the art of parkour, or free running. Parkour is essentially insane acrobatics across urban landscapes, feats reserved only for the very well trained. So it’s no wonder that Waldo’s epic tumble into a dumpster off the fire escape of his apartment earned him another, decidedly more embarrassing, source of fame.


Waldo and Kids

Typically perceived as mild-mannered and polite, Waldo is actually quite the ladies’ man. Jet-setting to hot spots around the world, he wines them, dines them, and… well, I think you can get creative with where it goes from there. But as the past has caught up with him, Waldo has been forced to man up. So far, just two offspring have surfaced, one from a Parisian dairy farmer, the other from a Swedish masseuse. The extent of Waldo’s gene pool spiking is just beginning to be illuminated; after all, with DNA testing gone mainstream, he may soon be paying child support from Bangkok to Boston.

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