Scott Pilgrim vs. The World – Why Scott Shouldn’t Win

featured, Film, Humor

Hype is a funny thing.  Some things deserve hype – some don’t.  August 13th will show us the release of Scott Pilgrim vs. The World – a movie based on a highly successful graphic novel series that, to be honest, baffles the imagination if you’ve managed to make it past 25 years of age.  The premise?

A Boy

A Boy

A girl

A Girl

League of Ramona's Evil Ex-Boyfriends

And the League of Ramona’s Evil Ex-Boyfriends

All movie criticism aside, this film is expected to open to the tune of $22 million dollars.  Surprising, since Cera’s last few films have been less than spectacular (Year One, anyone?).  Just for funsies, let’s talk about each of the evil exes, and whether or not Scott really SHOULD win.

Matthew Patel, played by Satya Bhabha

Matthew Patel
“Hi, I’m Matthew Patel.  The reason Scott Pilgrim shouldn’t be able to beat me is – I’m mystical and he’s not.  I mean, come on.  I can summon demon hipster chicks to do my bidding.  Have you ever come up against a hipster chick?  Their hipbones can cut glass and their sheer apathy will make you cry.  Plus, a DEMON hipster chick has no morals or conscience.  (er…) Couple that with their incessant talk about new tattoos and Passion Pit, and a lanky boy-child has no chance!”

DBS Reality Check: We’d throw our money in with Matthew.  Bleeker would be toast.

Lucas Lee

Lucas Lee
“Lucas Lee here.  I’m an ex-skateboarder and an actor.  I’ll agree to a skateboarding competition with that loser Scott Pilgrim, even though I’m an EX-skateboarder.  Also, I’m played by Chris Evans, so I naturally suck.”

DBS Reality Check: Scott wins this one.  Chris Evans is lame.

Todd Ingram

Todd Ingram

“I’m Todd Ingram, and I’m a holier-than-thou vegan, which has allowed me to utilize more of my brain that you animal-product-eating freaks out there.  I’m telekinetic, and played by SUPERMAN.”

DBS Reality Check: Even if he is a cheater (both on his diet and on his girlfriend), he’d still probably kick Scott’s ass.  Todd wins, hands down.

Roxy Richter

Roxy Richter

Roxy is an artist, former college roommate of Ramona, and HALF NINJA.

DBS Reality Check: Half ninja is better than no ninja at all, wethinks.  Roxy FTW!

Kyle and Ken Katayanagi

Kyle and KenKyle and Ken

Kyle and Ken are Japanese twins who can summon robots to do their bidding.  They finish each other’s sentences.

DBS Reality Check: It’s kind of a toss-up.  If they finish each other’s sentences, the robots could get confused, making it easy to evade them.  This one’s a tie.

Gideon Gordon Graves

Gideon Gordon Graves

“I’m Gideon Gordon Graves, leader of the League of Ramon’s Evil Ex-Boyfriends.  I own the Chaos Theater, GGG Heavy Industries, and Club Chaos, a club where I plan to defeat Scott Pilgrim with my amazing powers of Emotional Warfare.”

DBS Reality Check: Schwartzman is a badass, so he might make this character properly menacing, but until the movie comes up, we’re going to have to side with Scott.  “Emotional Warfare?”  Puh-lease.

Total Tally, Scott wins 2, loses 3, and ties 2. If we were going by English soccer points, each of the ties would count as one point, so Scott may have saved himself from relegation… but now my head hurts, so.

Do you have an opinion?  Are you going to the midnight showing of this film?  If so, do you have a life at all?   Aw, we’re just kidding you.  (kind of…)

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