25 Funny Tweets by Jim Gaffigan

featured, Humor

Jim Gaffigan, born James Christopher Gaffigan, is a 45-year-old father of 4 who says and tweets funny things for his job.  Some of his favorite subjects to talk about are cheese, Hot Pockets, his kids, and bacon.  That’s a well-rounded guy for sure.  You can follow him @JimGaffigan on twitter, but here are some of our favorite tweets, with the text copied below for easy reading.  When he gave you a picture, we’ll give you a picture.  Because we all want to be as funny as he is.  And he wants to be as funny as Zach Galifianakis.  When you try to spell-check Galifianakis, it wants to change it to egalitarianism.

First Tweet

first tweet

“I went to the gym today.  Sure i didn’t work out but that counts right?”

Yogurt Wars

yogurt wars

“I’d like to congratulate the Greeks on winning the yogurt wars.  The economic wars, not so much.”

Winston Churchill

Winston Churchill

“Do you think Winston Churchill looked just like Winston Churchill when he was a newborn? #rewrite”

When I Die

when i die

when i die image

“When I die, bury me here.”

Vampire Sit Ups

vampire sit ups

“When do vampire have time to do sit ups?”

Toddler Artwork

toddler artwork

“At what point are we going to admit that all toddler artwork is horrible?”

Tank Top

tank top

“‘I need a shirt, but I also want to showcase how long my armpit hair is.’ – Every guy who has bought a tank top.”

Roast Beef

Roast beef

Roast beef image

“I only have 5 bucks, so I guess I’ll just go with the roast beef.”

Poetry

poetry

“I find reading poetry really inspires me to not read poetry.”

Pathetic Baby

pathetic baby

“I’m in such better shape than my 2-month old baby.  He can barely hold his head up.  Pathetic.”

Airlines

McDonald receipt

mcdonalds receipt image

“It’s hard to take an airline seriously when the boarding pass looks like a McDonald’s receipt.”

Mars Bar

mara bar

mara bar image

“Why I come to Mara bar”

Karaoke Machine

karaoke machine



“Remember the couple in The Philippines that traded their kid for a karaoke machine?  I wonder if it was a really nice karaoke machine.”

Hey Two Year Olds

hey two year olds

“Hey 2-year-olds, I know you love spaghetti but you’re horrible at eating it.”

Gynecologist

gynecologist

“Suddenly a man can’t take care of himself w/o people questioning his masculinity.  There was a good reason I had to go to my gynecologist.”

Goat Cheese

goat cheese

“Goat Cheese:  ‘Hey you know that disgusting animal you’d never eat?  Check out what we did with some of it’s breast milk!'”

Baby Snob

Baby Snob

“Quick question:  What wine do 8-day-old babies like?  Mine rudely spat out the merlot I gave him this morning. #SnobBaby.”

Blue Vase Painting

blue vase painting

blue vase painting image

“‘Hey, whatever happened to my painting of the blue vase I gave you for your birthday?'”

Common Ground

Common Ground

“My 2 year old just pooped in her pants at the grocery store.  At least we have that in common.”

Dartboard

dartboard

dartboard image

“The dartboard is just the myspace of the bar.”

Giraffe

giraffe

“The good news is that I just saw a giraffe.  The bad news is that it was giving me the finger.”

Daughters

Gaffigan daughter

“I’m starting to regret naming my daughter Gadhafi.”

Drunk Baby

drunk baby

“2 days past due date.  Baby left VM message, mumbling about E-Trade commercials & how he can’t wait to get at @jeanniegaffigan‘s breasts.”

Gay Rights

gay rights

gay rights image

“I guess I do have a minute for gay rights.”

Humility

humility

“I have to give it up to myself for being so humble.”

Jim Gaffigan has lots of other funny tweets, these were just some of our favorites.  And Jim, I didn’t mean what I said about Zach Galifianakis.  You are plenty funny, and your name is way easier to spell.  Plus, we share your appreciation for bacon, cheese, and ice cream, and think we will be BFF.  In case you lost our phone number again…

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